Andrej Zemandl is the male half of the Family Psychology project , which you could read about in the last part of our regular Rituals column. After completing a master's degree in psychology at the Faculty of Arts of Comenius University, he acquired additional certificates in the field of couple therapy. When working with individuals, Andrej uses the knowledge he gained as a participant in a long-term psychotherapeutic training in Catathymne-imaginative psychotherapy (SSKIP) focused on deep work with emotions through imaginative techniques as a starting point. Authentic, scientifically based work with difficult emotions largely defines Andrej's approach. He is also close to working with symbols, which is why he has been a long-term participant in the group self-experiential and theoretical part of the training in Analytical Psychology organized by ČSAP.
What does it mean to be a father in today's context?
A demanding, increasingly less formal role. A man-father has multiple, even contradictory roles. He is supposed to be a support for his wife, involved in raising his children, fighting for a living outside the home – managing work, pressures and financial security, while feeling that he is “losing his partner” and having to come to terms with the fact that he will probably “get the short end of the stick” in parenthood. In any case, it is the construction of a new role that often immensely strengthens a man’s identity, adds a large part of the puzzle of meaning in life, and relativizes the expectations of others in favor of the vision of his own family. Indeed, fatherhood provides an exceptional opportunity to find oneself and therefore also to find a healthy distance from the family of origin.
What should a man prepare for after the birth of a child?
That he will take care of the relationship for some time (a year, but sometimes a few years). That after giving birth, the partner will probably suddenly start to seem less interested in the relationship. He should also study what baby blues, postpartum depression look like and how they differ. A woman goes through big changes after giving birth, many of which are influenced by hormones, and getting used to a new role takes longer or shorter time. I recommend getting to know this process, taking expectations with a grain of salt, and remembering that everything changes over time. Curiosity and discovery are a good approach to getting used to respecting each other as a new family.
What does a father need that he rarely admits?
Contact with people or other resources (hobbies, sports, silence). Social isolation is one of the most common experiences experienced by fathers of young children. Life is not lived in extremes, so it is not desirable to maintain the same social life in the face of a huge change. But partners should agree on how to give the father the opportunity to “air out” even when the mother cannot afford it - often this way at least one of the couple gets the opportunity to recharge their batteries and act as a support for the entire household. Every day with a baby is different, so rather than making any fixed plans, you need to find ways to use small and spontaneous opportunities to recharge your batteries and break the feeling that we are alone.
Having the opportunity to get to know the child on your own and make your own parenting "mistakes". In most families, the mother naturally has more time to adjust to the baby, but the father is observed and often places high demands on himself. Appreciation, a sense of importance, confirmation of his place in the woman's life.
Do you think that one of the father's roles is to "untie" the child from the mother at some point in order to become independent? If so, when does this moment occur?
I wouldn't call it detachment. If the mother is the primary caregiver, the father is a source of diverse developmental stimuli that the mother is unable to provide. The father has a special place, he brings something a little different, but still very familiar to what the child knows. It is ideal if he is present in the upbringing from birth, or even prenatally to the extent that the parents' life and socioeconomic situation allows. A child benefits from two loving arms even before birth.
Fathers generally spend less time with their children than mothers. Does this mean that they could therefore be more benevolent towards their children and “allow” them more, or have more open boundaries?
They behave differently, and research confirms that the child benefits from this difference. Even if he is not as attuned to the child as the mother, this is exactly what the child needs for his healthy development. On the contrary, we often see that the father is more connected to the child despite less contact. So he behaves differently, maybe stricter, maybe more benevolent, but that is good.
Would you recommend that fathers build their own rituals with their children?
Rituals are the backbone of every long-term relationship. We don't realize it, and we often resist it in favor of spontaneity, as if authenticity and regularity are mutually exclusive. But in moments of stress, uncertainty, or change, it is precisely ritual that will show us strength – it will give us security, balance, and greatly strengthen the relationship. This applies to regular dates with our partner, family celebrations, and also to our relationship with our child. Whether it is a regular game, sport, or time reserved just for the two of us. Often, parents only see in challenging situations – such as changing schools, divorce, or puberty – what a level of security and certainty rituals have given to their relationship with their children. Only then do we realize what a powerful source and support the regular things we do together are.
