On the occasion of Mother's Day, we are talking about motherhood in today's Rituals column with psychologist Jana Zemandl from Family Psychology .
Jana is a child psychologist and co-author of the book Psychology for Loving Parents. After receiving her doctorate in psychology at the Institute of Experimental Psychology of the Slovak Academy of Sciences, she worked as a scientist and university teacher, later devoting herself to work psychology. As a mother of two children, she began to focus more and more on practice, and today she focuses mainly on psychological counseling for parent education and solves children's behavioral problems through counseling and therapy. She also works at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at the National University Hospital of the Slovak Republic.
What does it mean to be a mother in today's context?
It seems to me that being a mother today is a multi-role. A perfect mother, friend, cook, expert in healthy nutrition who also understands orthopedics, while also having her own project ideally underway, and not forgetting to be a nice, kind and sociable, perfect wife and lover (of her husband).
What part does building a mother's relationship with herself play in building a relationship with her child?
I consider motherhood to be a great work on myself. Becoming a mother opens up new topics for us, mothers. Losing myself as I knew myself, having a commitment that will never end. Knowing a love that I have never known before. On the other hand, being aware of the limitations that this brings to my world, which was mostly so beautifully constructed. When should I go to the gym now and pursue my hobbies? Finding myself in all this is so important!
It is not a phrase that only a satisfied mother raises a satisfied child. Likewise, an anxious mother raises an anxious child. Or an unhappy mother raises an unhappy child. So with that comes the dilemma of how to balance adequate self-care with the fact that the child really needs me, that his needs cannot just be postponed. On the other hand, how I can take care of myself sends a message to the child. He will also be able to take care of himself. I consider maintaining my boundaries, finding this balance, one of the greatest challenges of motherhood.
What does a mother need and rarely admit to herself?
Especially to admit that motherhood has many dimensions, and that it's okay to feel overwhelmed, weak, exhausted. That I can still be a pretty good mom, even if I have a momentary feeling that I want to run away somewhere. And maybe I don't, but I'm okay anyway. It's just okay to have different things.
What about the pursuit of perfection in motherhood?
Just like in everything. With the child being probably one of the most serious “projects” we deal with. The availability of information also causes commitment and stress from decision-making. Sometimes I recommend to parents to focus most on themselves, on what they need and on what their child needs. I believe that most of the answers are there.
Do you think it is important for a mother to show her child the importance of meeting her own needs by giving herself "me-time"?
In this context, we often seek out “mom-time” with clients and groups. Absolutely yes, I find it important. Just as much as I emphasize empathy for the needs of the child, I emphasize it for myself as well. Trying to balance these needs and fulfill them all sufficiently is the greatest challenge of motherhood, which I have already mentioned.
What role can shared family rituals play in building relationships? What might such rituals look like?
Rituals anchor, connect, give meaning, closeness and belonging. Any ritual, something repeated, that has meaning for us. Often it is the very ordinary things that have a special meaning precisely because of their regularity. A regular walk, feeding the birds in winter, cocoa for breakfast in bed, baking together on Saturday, reading by dim light with the scent of lavender. It really doesn't matter what it is, but what matters is that it is our self, that it is repeated.
Which reminds me that I'm really looking forward to the kids and our evening rituals tonight. Talking, cuddling, reading, dim lights, cozy, closeness and trust. Maybe even more so since I spent the whole day without them.
