In order to build healthy and fulfilling relationships, we need to start with ourselves. How do we set boundaries without feeling guilty? Why is self-love the foundation of all love? And how do we recognize when we are losing ourselves in a relationship?

We talked to psychologist Jana Zemandl about why it's important to know how to say "enough," how to set boundaries without feeling guilty, and why true love begins with ourselves.

Why are personal boundaries important and what role does self-love play in setting them?

Imagine you are a garden. If you didn't have a fence, anyone could come in, trample the flowers, plant whatever they wanted, and take whatever they liked. Over time, the garden would lose its beauty and strength. Personal boundaries work similarly – they are an imaginary fence that protects us. Our energy, emotions, dreams, and values.

Borders are a meeting place

I often come across the idea that having boundaries means being hard, closed, or selfish. In reality, boundaries are more like a gate through which we only let in what is safe and healthy for us. Boundaries are not about cruelty and rejection. Boundaries are about offering others a place where we can meet. We will exchange a few words with someone standing at the gate, we want to keep someone behind the fence of that precious garden, we will invite another in. But I will not let him step on the roses, but I will offer him a place where he can stand to smell their intoxicating scent.

Self-love as the foundation of firm boundaries

In order to be able to set boundaries, we need something very important – to love ourselves. This does not mean unrealistic ideas about our own uniqueness, but a deep awareness of our own value. Accepting ourselves. Kindness towards ourselves in different situations. Sensitivity towards ourselves. Sensitivity is a prerequisite for being able to recognize when something is exhausting us, when something is hurting us, when it is time to say “enough”, but also when it is time to say “yes”.

We are often afraid to please others or speak our minds for fear of disappointing someone. But it is when we choose to respect ourselves that we give others the opportunity to see our true value.

How to start?

If you haven't emphasized your boundaries before, you may not know where to start. Here are some tips that can help:

1. Let's pay attention to our experiences - If we feel frustrated or exhausted in certain situations, it is a signal that the boundaries have already been crossed.

2. Let's start with small "no's" - Try saying "no" to little things, like something small around the house that I do every day, but today I will allow myself not to do.

3. Communicate clearly and respectfully – Boundaries do not mean aggression. Express what you want calmly and firmly and offer an alternative. For example: “I need some time to myself right now, can we talk in an hour?”

4. Don't be afraid of feeling guilty - It's normal to feel guilty about not satisfying someone. It means they are important to us. Remember, however, that our needs are equally important and we will surely be able to find a solution that adequately takes both of them into account.

5. Be consistent – ​​Once you set boundaries, stick to them. People quickly get used to how they can treat you.

How does self-love help define and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships?

Relationships are a beautiful connection between two worlds. But if we gradually get lost in them, we stop feeling where we end and where the other person begins. Boundaries ensure contact with ourselves. Because only when I am in contact with myself can I be in real contact with the other.

How do we recognize that we are overstepping our boundaries in a relationship to the detriment of our own well-being?

Let's imagine that we have a backpack. Every day we put our worries, the expectations of others, the obligations that we have accepted for fear of disappointing someone into it. At first, it seems that we can carry it. But gradually the backpack fills up, it becomes heavier, our back starts to hurt. Only one day we realize that we can barely move under the weight.

This is exactly what pushing yourself beyond your limits looks like. It doesn't happen overnight—it's a slow process of giving more than you can afford until you're exhausted.

How do we know if our backpack is too full?

• We are tired, even when we have physically rested. Mental fatigue is often a sign that we are giving too much energy outward and not enough to ourselves.

• We begin to feel frustration or quiet anger. When we suppress needs, sooner or later it will manifest itself as anger – towards others or towards ourselves.

• We feel like we are “lesser” in the relationship. If we are constantly adapting and afraid to express our needs because it might disrupt the harmony, we are probably lost in the attempt to be enough for the other person.

• Our intuition tells us that something is wrong. Our body and mind know when something is not right. If we feel like we are suffocating or losing ourselves, it is time to stop and think.

"Borders aren't about building walls - they're about allowing ourselves to breathe."

Can a person without self-love have trouble saying "no"?

Imagine a child who longs for love. He tries to be good, does not protest, meets the expectations of adults because he believes that only then he deserves attention and acceptance. Many of us still carry such a child inside us. When we do not have enough security, certainty, self-love and self-confidence, we may be afraid to say “no” because we subconsciously fear that we will lose love. We think that if we do not comply, we will be less valuable, less needed. Unloved.

Research shows that people with low self-esteem are more likely to suffer from something we would call “over-commitment.” This means that instead of protecting our own needs, we try to accommodate others, often at the expense of ourselves. But saying “no” is not rejecting the relationship. It is accepting ourselves. It is finding our place in our relationship. It is finding a meeting place that takes both of us into account.

When we learn to reject what doesn't suit us, we create space for what benefits us. What suits our relationships. Self-love teaches us that even if we disappoint someone, we are still worthy of love. Because real relationships are not based on limitless giving, but on mutual respect.

How to teach your partner to respect your needs and boundaries without feeling guilty?

Many of us think that if we set boundaries, we will hurt others. But boundaries are about protecting the relationship. If we want our partner to respect boundaries, we must first allow ourselves to feel them and respect them ourselves. Many of us, in our attempt to please others, do not even allow ourselves to feel enough what hurts us and what makes us happy. We should allow ourselves to respect ourselves and consider ourselves as important as our partner.

How to do it without feeling guilty?

1. Communicate calmly but firmly. Instead of telling your partner what they are doing wrong, try to focus on what you need. For example: “I feel exhausted when I don’t know when I will have time for myself. I need us to agree on this.”

2. Let's not let ourselves be manipulated by guilt. If the other person reacts with anger or blame, it doesn't mean we're doing something wrong. It just means they're learning where your boundaries are. They may not like it.

3. Let's show that we respect boundaries too. If we want our partner to respect us, we must do the same for them. Respect is a mutual path.

4. Let's not apologize for our needs. Needing space, time, or emotional support is not selfish. It's essential for a healthy relationship.

5. If we feel guilty, let's affirm to ourselves that it is okay to feel guilty in this situation .

Boundaries are not about punishing others – they are about feeling authentic, safe, and free in a relationship at the same time.

What are the first steps to improving our relationship with ourselves so that we can set healthy boundaries?

1. Realize that boundaries protect our relationships and allow others to see the best version of me. Unburdened, rested, cared for. My feelings and needs are just as important as the feelings of others.

2. Start small. We don't have to change our entire lives. Let's try to first say no to one thing that tires us out, or set aside time for ourselves without feeling guilty.

3. Learn to communicate clearly . Instead of saying “it’s okay,” try saying “I don’t have the capacity for that right now,” and don’t offer any explanations or defenses. If you feel guilty, say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel guilty right now.”

4. Practice self-love every day . Self-love isn’t just a bath with a scented candle. It’s every “no” we allow ourselves to say and every “yes” we give ourselves.

5. Don't be afraid of discomfort . When we start setting boundaries, some people will feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean we're doing something wrong. It means we're learning to love ourselves and teaching others to see us for who we are. Loveable and beautiful. Exactly who we are.

When we allow ourselves to love ourselves, we teach others how to love us.

Boundaries and self-love are two sides of the same coin. When we allow ourselves to see and protect ourselves, we teach others that respect is the foundation of a healthy relationship. And when we finally allow ourselves to breathe, we discover that relationship and love can be a place where we are truly ourselves. Our relationships will take on a deeper and fuller dimension. And that is what I wish for all of us.

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A conversation about boundaries with psychologist and co-author of the successful book "Psychology for Loving Parents" - Jana Zemandl from Family Psychology.