Zdenka Koristek, a graduate of Health Psychology at Cardiff University and a certified 'Professional Solution Focused Brief Coach', shares with us her insights on how to work with yourself during difficult times.

 

Let's focus on what we want, not what we don't want - we support change in ourselves and in those around us.

Honestly. Has it ever happened to you, when you were going through difficult times, that deep down you knew, felt, perceived what you would need at that time to make you feel at least a little better?

And maybe not. But did you know that what you expect from yourself, or what others expect, may not be your solution? Instead, did you want and demand something different from yourself, faster, immediately, differently, the way it should look when it's 'right'? And that didn't lead to anything. On the contrary, you ended up with even more frustration.

Or you were consistent, you did it. You said to yourself, I gave it. But it took too much energy and a lot of other things. The 'cost effectiveness' was not in balance.

I would compare it to flying on a plane, where the mother has to put on the oxygen mask first to save her baby. If she puts the mask on incorrectly, she might survive, but it would lead to oxygen debt, and then other problems that could manifest later.

I hear similar stories from many people of different ages and professions. And when they manage to do it differently, they can truly handle any situation from the inside, from the heart, better, in their own way, authentically. Without oxygen debt. I have experienced more similar examples myself. And similar situations keep coming into my life.

After my many more or less successful attempts, I am learning to listen to myself more, to be able to let things go, to allow myself to stop and create my own way of handling things the best I can. Me in my world, with my possibilities, abilities, with my motivation, strength..

Redrawing it to my way of writing notes, even using my favorite colors, playing with the design the way I like it and it suits me, gives it my true essence. The one that is truly the best for me. The one that makes me myself. The one that I can change, develop. The one that sometimes stops being fun for me, doesn't work, and that's okay too. The one that I can freely play with and experiment with.

 

A cycle? A process of change?

Whatever I call it, I feel that when I can handle a difficult situation on my own, truly authentically, with my own solution, then I am able to truly, authentically, and truly sincerely be a support to others. Without it taking away my own strength, quite the opposite.

We are a system. We are all part of a system. We influence each other. If we settle our thoughts in our system, learn to handle different situations, we can support a completely different system. We will support someone else. Maybe we will inspire, motivate, or lend a helping hand. We will focus on what we want not only in ourselves, in our personal system, but also in the world (in the system) more. We will spread the principles of abundance, empathy, understanding, desire and love.

What we focus our attention on will grow. These are also the principles of the 'solution focused' approach. When we take time for our child, he can thrive, when we take time for our body, we will see results, when we pay attention to what we want to be around us, there is more than before.

A beautiful example is how we are able to unite when people who have lost their homes and loved ones come to our country day by day. Regardless of status, education, age... We offer our homes, material assistance, support. Words like "If I were in the same situation, I would also be grateful if someone could help me." Or "I already have everything I need, please help others too" (a woman with a child who was accommodated in her apartment and offered money for the immediate future). And this is still happening here today in our common system. We have the ability to focus on what we want to see more of around us.

 

How to handle difficult life situations on your own

• to indulge, to allow yourself to feel anything (anger, fear, anxiety, helplessness, love, hope...) to allow yourself to have the full range of shades (even gray), without feeling guilty.

• do what we need to do with it at that time (cry, talk, scream, be silent, take a breath... (maybe something completely different, or a combination) and let it pass. Experiment with it and notice when we feel even a little bit better.

• not identifying with the problem, not personalizing it (just because I'm angry doesn't mean I'm an aggressive person, it's just an emotion that will pass. Just because I feel helpless doesn't mean I'm unable to do anything. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I'm the disease. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I'm a sad person, it's just that I'm experiencing sadness). This setting will give us the opportunity to work with our attitude, we'll gain perspective. It's easier to handle sadness when we don't consider ourselves a sad person, but we know that sadness is just an emotion that will pass.

• Accepting myself and what I'm experiencing. Knowing how to let it go, not judging myself or others for what and to what extent they need.

• telling ourselves what we don't want and focusing our attention on what we do want instead.

• to focus on the 'here and now', on my sphere of influence right here and now. To focus on small steps.

What can I do right now, in this moment? When I do it (even if I don't know how yet), what will be different for me?

This will allow us to be clear about what is in our sphere of influence. Some things we cannot control, but some we can. We will be able to focus directly on the 'here and now' - on what we can do, not what we cannot.

Many women with cancer can do this with great humility and strength, even though what some can do is really not enough. Focusing on what they can still do gives them the freedom and opportunity to be here and now, as they wish. I am grateful to have been able to meet and learn from many of them as they constantly strengthen this ability.

• to focus on one's own resources

What makes me cope like this, and isn't it even harder/worse for me? How did I do it? How did I contribute to it?

Each of us already has many resources within us, thanks to which we can, for example, get out of bed in the morning. What made me do it today? Take your time, think about it. I have absolute confidence and certainty that you yourself have contributed to the fact that you are handling the situation as you are now, and not worse.

• create our own new resources, possibilities. Let's be creative. Let's find what will work for us.

If I were just a little less stressed, anxious, angry…what would be different for me? What would I do differently? Thanks to what?

Just as I know that we all have existing abilities and strengths, I know that each of us can also find new ways to handle different things. Our own. They are not fixed. Sometimes this works better for us, sometimes something completely different. Children are masters at being able to invent and try new options absolutely flexibly, naturally. They do it in a way that makes them feel the best. They experiment, they play. Without fear and freely.

Even though coping with difficult life situations is very challenging, painful, stressful, I think I would like to keep that childish quality of play and experimentation. Trying, observing when I am a little better than usual. Doing more. And when it stops working, leaving it alone, not getting hung up on something, and finding something completely different that will work for me. Focusing on what I want, not what I don't want.

I believe that this will bring a new dimension to our ability to cope with difficult life situations. As well as understanding that we can all have it completely differently. And that's okay. Since we are part of a system, we depend on each other. Just when we take care of ourselves and focus on what we want, it changes not only our personal system, but the system of all of us.. (but without going into oxygen debt).

You can seek Zdenka's help through her website: http://zdenkakoristek.com .