What do you think is the basis of taking care of a relationship (and not necessarily just a romantic one)?

I'm a big fan of defending boundaries in any relationship. Even in that partnership boundaries help to determine where I end and where the partner begins, which seems like something we can normally recognize after all! But can we really do it? Can we really be authentic, maybe even vulnerable, and communicate that our partner has touched some of our boundaries? Maybe I'm looking at it too much through the lens of a keyhole in my professional focus on progressive parents, in any case, my practice shows that we are a generation of people pleasers, for whom it's really hard to perceive our boundaries, let alone talk about them. At the same time, we want it differently for our children. So in short: In my view, the basis of caring for a relationship lies in caring for one's boundaries and in building competence is to communicate healthily with the environment.

What would you say are the biggest relationship myths?

I can think of two. The first is the myth of perfect compatibility. The fact that somewhere in the world there is my other half, thanks to whom I will become complete. Society and its culture teach us that compatibility is what we should look for from the very beginning of a relationship. At the same time, a much more useful mindset is to look at compatibility as a common goal. If compatibility is the entry requirement, we will often be disappointed and it will stand in the way of finding a solution to the relationship impasse. If we see compatibility as a goal, we create space for joint solutions to various problems. The second is that when we have a conflict that we cannot resolve, our relationship has no meaning. Research shows that two out of three conflicts in relationships are intractable. This means that neither of us can back down without compromising our integrity, so we have to learn to live with such a conflict - perhaps with the help of humor.

What is often underestimated in relationships?

Maybe curiosity. And how easily we actually slip into a routine and then stay communicatively on the surface, without noticing it, because we are nice to each other, so we don't have any problem. It's quite easy not to notice that we find ourselves in a flood of conversations about logistics - especially if it's not just a couple, but a family with children. I see curiosity as an antidote to routine and superficiality. Being nice to each other is not enough to know each other. Even after years, we need to update each other on who we are, where we are, what warms us, what troubles us, but also banalities, such as what we like to listen to or what our favorite color is. There is a chance that she is different years later than she was at the beginning of our relationship.

How to maintain romance in a long-term relationship?

This is a nut. Honestly, I'm not sure if we imagine the same thing under the term romance. Is it that even after 30 years we will have coffee together and watch the birds in the feeder, that we will give each other gifts on Valentine's Day or the occasional hot sms at work? It seems to me that trying to maintain respect for the other is much more important than maintaining the romance. For me, this is a prerequisite for maintaining intimacy.

Do you think we (unnecessarily) put romantic relationships on a pedestal?

I think so. And I think that what we see in the media and on the networks is rarely an image of what we can actually live or what is healthy. I would not completely return to marriages of convenience, rather I would vote for a less consumptive way of dealing with relationships. Some part doesn't work, so we throw it all away. Maybe we have no idea that it is possible to fix it. We humans have the ability to heal, we have the ability to learn. And although we all have a different starting line in establishing relationships, it is a competence, so we can learn it. With a bit of pathos at the end: I see great hope in this.

Katerina Travnicek

Kateřina Trávníček is a parenting coach and therapist in training who calls for greater ease in parenting and relationships.